Blog by: Peggy Carstensen, LCPC, ATR
The first day of school photos are getting posted, the packing lunches is already getting old, and Summer is still visible but in the rearview mirror. As a parent, Back to School time is many things, and a lot of these feelings are not happy or easy ones.
Things to consider for parents grieving this Fall season:
The College Send Off
You made it! Your child is headed into the bigger world. Whether commuting from home, moving out of state, or taking a break from school to figure out the next step, this time is often paired with anxiety and loneliness. What to do?
Trust your child and yourself: Have open conversations with your young adult about what you both need during this transition to feel connected, independent, and respected. Make plans with your friends or support people to fill time in positive ways that was previously poured into your child’s activities.
Normalize not knowing: Remember your child’s brain is not fully developed. This is a high emotion, high stress time. Missteps will happen, and you want to be a space your child feels comfortable seeking guidance. Normalize for them and for yourself that this does not need to go perfectly, and you can navigate the change together while still supporting their journey towards adulthood.
The Baby who is No Longer a Baby
The image of parents during back to school that comes to mind for many is that of a mom or dad sending their youngest into a building with a backpack big enough to tip them over. It’s the unexpected emotion of a little one clinging to a leg or a guardian crying in the parking lot. What to do?
Talk to the Village: All parents of school aged children have been in your shoes. Lean on the tidbits and understanding of those who have been in your path. Accept reassurance you’re doing great and this growth for your baby is a beautiful thing.
Advocate: If you know what can help your little one (and you) succeed, speak up. Share information that is relevant to your child’s teacher to help ensure they feel safe and understood in a new setting. Trust yourself to know what your child needs and wants – both in school and when they get home (when all the feelings they’ve held in during the school day pour out on you.)
The Child(ren) in Heaven
Parents perhaps struggling the most during this season transition are those imagining their lost child starting the grade they’d be entering if still here today. These parents feel the unfairness not of having to back to school shop, but of not getting to. What to do?
Feel it: Give yourself space and grace to be sad, angry, and numb. Make time for these feelings - whether verbalizing to a support person, attending therapy, or writing in a journal. Feelings, particularly heavy and difficult ones, hold more power over us when they remain inside for us to carry alone. If you know someone grieving a deceased child, check in with them. Allow them to acknowledge their pain if they want to talk about their emotions.
Honor it: Find a way to honor your child. Create a tradition or routine that feels right - find or leave a stone on a walk in their honor, pamper yourself and imagine your child cheering you on, donate supplies your child would have needed to their class in their honor. Whatever you decide, choose something that feels like a hug for your soul.
The Back to the Grind
The lack of routine during summer is fun in some ways, and unsettling and internally chaotic in others. Your child(ren) returning to their routine may mean more time to focus. It may also leave you feeling pressure to be extra productive. What to do?
Be realistic: Set 1-3 small achievable goals at the start of the day. Make sure to include time to take a break (schedule lunch and protect break times from meetings or housework) If the goals are not completed, accept we cannot do or be everything every day.
Find joy: Set a time each week to connect with your family and other support people. Have the dinner. Make the call. Back to school does not mean all fun is over and Holiday season stress is here immediately. Be intentional about feeling the sun on your face or the ground under your feet. Being able to focus and be productive is something to celebrate, and pausing to reset or connect is equally important.
The What Now?
Some graduates or students find themselves not starting or returning to school and this was not the plan. Guardians may be feeling uneasy that their child has not determined a life plan and lacks motivation. What now?
Explore: Get to know your young adult and help them learn about themselves. Know that it is ok to not know, that some of the most inspiring and impactful moments in life happen without a plan. Schedule volunteer opportunities, have your child shadow or interview workplaces that seem interesting and learn the path to that career. Research trades, inexpensive traveling opportunities and jobs that may help your child find clarity. Doing this together can help your child not feel alone or overwhelmed and can allow you to understand and support the opportunity they are seeking (especially if it’s a plan different than one you imagined for them).
Compromise: This will look different for every parent/child unit. Come to an agreement about expectations, responsibilities, and tasks. Avoid threats of kicking out or taking away basic needs just because your child is now technically an adult. If agreed upon house rules cannot be followed, this may be a good time to start family therapy and understand each other better in a different space.
If you are feeling the impact of Back to School in a way that feels too big to navigate alone, reach out to our intake team today to find the right therapist!
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